You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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