she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
