I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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