Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
