I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
