do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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