I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
