the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
