so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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