he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
