Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
