how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
