We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
