i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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