my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize