i can't believe i had my finger in that
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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