I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
