If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
