just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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