I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
