The maid of honor just puked.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize