I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
