i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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