i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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