The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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