Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
