i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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