I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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