I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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