closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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