Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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