One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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