I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
