a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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