I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize