Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We were destined to go to rehab together
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize