After last night, I could never be a politician.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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