I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
