Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
