So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize