I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
