I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
