You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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