I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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