Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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