Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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