I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
