Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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