Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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