Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
