Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
