my phone needs a breathalizer
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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