Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
