I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
