whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
