You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize