What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
