just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
