I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
