I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
They are going to name an STD after you.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
