I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
